Conversations with Kari

2003-12-08 - 10:34 p.m.

*Warning!! I decided to post everything I intended to, so don't be offended if it says something mean about you......I'm not very upset about anything....and I still love you a lot

Morning practice felt good today. Well....except for the morning part. I had fun, but it was early and I was tired. And I didn't talk to Kari when I wanted to.

I think I'm the only guy who thinks a girl can be prettier at 7am when she's sweaty and wearing running clothes....

After practice Lindsey asked me what she should get Kyle for Christmas. I hate it when she says things and doesn't realize how much they hurt. It's not that she's mean, she just forgets. I mean, I just got done telling her last night about how I'm stupid and jealous, then she asks me this. I just gave her some lame answers and hoped it would be over soon. At one point she asked me, "Well, what would you want if you were him?"

What would I want, Lindsey? If I were Kyle, I would want time to stop so that I would never have to leave you. I would bring you a million sunny days and no rain. I would want to make you happy every day. I would want to give you the moon for Christmas. I know I must not really love you because you said love has to be permanent, and I'm sure my love for you is not permanent. In fact, I expect I'll fall out of love with you......any day now.

That was a stupid question, Lindsey.

Sometimes I think I wouldn't know what to do if something good ever happened with a girl. By now I've seen love and pain together so many times that the two are inextricably connected. In fact, they require each other in some kind of strange emotional symbiosis. No love can exist without pain, and pain is not felt truly and deeply unless it comes from love. That's what makes love true, Lindsey, not permanence or longevity. If time was the true measure, then an 80-year-old horrible, abusive marriage is truer than even Romeo's brief flame. No, the true love is that which has the capacity to hurt, even kill.

********************************************

Kari and I had this written conversation about love during a filmstrip about Socrates this morning. It was one of the best I've ever had with anyone. I love you, Kari. This is why you're the damn favorite.

Kari: If love is how you describe it, then it would last forever, right? Hence the longevity.

Me: No, because true love can end quickly and painfully.

Kari: In death, maybe. But if you truly love someone, you will always love them. Just maybe not so deeply.

Me: I hope that's not true. Because that means there's no recovery from a broken heart.

Kari: There's recovery, but there will always be a place in your heart for that person. I shouldn't be saying anything because I've never been in love. I'm too scared of it.

Me: Good for you! I wish love and I had never met. We're apparently not very compatible.

Kari: But see, I truly agree that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. My fear of the lost part keeps me from the love and letting myself love and that's bad.

Me: Well....I haven't really decided if it's worth it. Right now, I'm leaning toward no.

Kari: At least you have something to base your opinion on.....oh well.

Me: I think your innocence is beautiful. Not just because of lack of pain, but also the lack of being in love. You are a rose that has neither bloomed nor wilted. You can only look forward, and I'm jealous of that.

Nothing else important happened today, really......except for the email I got from Lindsey. Plus, Adrienne is waiting to read this.

previous - next