F**k it, Dude.....Let's go bowling.

2004-03-18 - 12:56 a.m.

[Note: This is the thinky, pseudo-philosophical entry for today. See previous entry for the day's news, weather, and sports. In other words, if you get bored easily by my thinkings and ramblings (most people do), then read the previous entry for the more event-oriented bullshit.]

I was not very likeable today. The Ls were vocal about it, but I kind of sensed it from a lot of people. I didn't like me today, either. I was arrogant today. I was overbearing today. I was.....aggressive today.

I'm starting to get really pissed off about the results of my personality test at similarminds.com. I mean, I understand why I came out as aggressive.....it just makes me angry because it's true. I absolutely hate the fact that I have that as a part of me. One of my biggest goals in life has been to be less dominant/overbearing when it comes to relating to people. My dad fits the same sort of aggressive control profile and it has bothered me most of my life. I really wish I could get away from that, but it seems that some hereditary parts of personality are inescapable.

I really really want to be the laid-back, easygoing nice guy that I should be. I really really want to let other people win.....but I never do. It's not that I have to win....I just have to get my thoughts across and I am a total failure at doing that unaggressively. Come on, Nathan, you're a fking pacifist and you harbor aggressive tendencies. Why can't I be more like The Dude?

There is something to be said for self-awareness, knowing and analyzing your own personality and mannerisms. But the more I get to know myself, the more depressed and pissed off I get about my imperfections. I am by no means a perfectionist, especially in the normal sense of being careful, organized, meticulous......I just feel like the biggest asshole most of the time. I always end up alienating someone or making someone feel bad. Discussions, arguments, whenever there is any form of an adversarial situation.....I am a total jerk. And I fking hate it.

So self-awareness is......not as good as people say it is. [Not overrated, because if I said that Liz would like me even less.] Maybe somethings I should just never learn about myself.

In English today, Simeon and I decided that The Big Lebowski is a very existentialist movie. I'm not going to say why, because I am unimaginably sick of discussing what is and is not existentialist, but it's true. I love even when the craziest sht goes down, the guys just keep going. Everything is meaningless....there's no point to trying to assign morals and lessons to things.....it's all absurd. That is the core of existentialism.....you can't escape life, so why worry about the philosophy and the constructs. It's all you can do just to live in this hell of a universe.

So when Murphy's Law breaks loose on your life.....
when you've got a crippled fake millionaire and a known pornographer on your ass......
when a Chinaman (Asian American, please) pisses on your fking rug (which really tied the room together)......
when you screw up the handoff......
when ashes are on your face.....
when you hate Mrs. Eldridge.....
when you hate yourself....
The only thing left to do is shrug your shoulders and utter the keystone statement of existential philosophy:

Fuck it, Dude. Let's go bowling.

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