Then drag me, four horses

2004-03-23 - 10:53 p.m.

Then Drag Me, Four Horses [or] Supernatural Something
(I haven't picked a title)

Some days I just don’t
Feel like anything.
I am still, observing,
As a grey-on-grey rainbow
Spreads across the sky.

Life is like a lukewarm river
And drifting is like a tepid swim,
Which is more than I can manage
Today, under this sun.

I am done with sprinting circles.
I am done with fighting clouds.
I am sick of bubble gum philosophy
And the endless opinions
Of the ignorant.

Show me a powerful,
Supernatural something.
Show me a destination and
I’ll move.

Until I find one
Supernatural something,
A cause to struggle for,
Which, in the end,
Is more than sawdust sandwiches
And striving after wind,
No effort brings me closer to a higher place.

Without a destination that is different
From my starting point,
No self-direction moves me under heaven.

Then drag me, four horses,
To the ends of this earth.

I started that in English and finished it in Precalc. Liz likes it. I don't know....it's a strange poem.

Today just sucked. I'm starting to get sick and sleep-deprived. Nick's home, but I haven't seen him since 3am Sunday. I'm also starting to complain about things....

I got back on the Adderall horse today.....I was ok until lunch, when I went into emotional shutdown. I'm beginning to think that all my good days float on a sea of depression. Certain triggers put me in the water, which is there all the time, but displaced occaisionally by happiness.

I meant to do my homework today, but I didn't. The middle school meet was fun, especially the aftermath. I hate tank tops lol.

It is very unlucky that I go into shutdown mode when I have lots of things to do. This is why I will be a failure as an adult, as I am now. The more I need to accomplish, the less motivated I am.

My self-awareness kick is turning into a desire to give everyone personality tests and analyze them. I already am very good at figuring out what makes people tick, but I like to know the four letters, too. I bothered Lindsey today because I'm a showoff. She said she's kidding, I don't believe her. I said I wasn't upset, she didn't believe me. It's funny how we were probably both telling the truth.

I am a manipulator. I am coming to terms with this, as well as my aggression. I know what to say and what response will follow. Even though I try not to do this, it is so easy for me that I hardly notice sometimes. I do actively try not to manipulate certain people, namely those with whom I have the most ability/opportunity to do so. I have to confess, though, that I've done it to them, too. I've done it to everyone. Most of you probably don't want to know, but if you do, ask me and I'll tell you a time I manipulated you.....or at least attempted. Usually, though, I succeed.

Liz and one personality test say that I do this to get things I want, or to change a situation for my benefit. This is not generally true. I like to believe that I use it to make people happy or feel better about themselves. This doesn't mean I'm not sincere when I do it, but that I do it carefully and with a specific goal. Now, everyone is going to second-guess my motives every time I compliment them. Oh well, I'm still on my "no deleting" policy.

The truth is, though, that I have used my ability for my own benefit before. I hate this part of me, and I don't want to do it anymore. But honestly, I know I probably have less control than I think. I think that the majority of my manipulations are harmless.....but who knows. I am not very good at self-judgment. Self-analysis, yes. Evaluating my goodness or badness....no.

I'm sick of writing and I really really need to go to bed.

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